The last candy bar in a family’s stash was reported missing on January 27. Check out these statements of defense from the alleged perpetrator. Sound familiar?
February 18: Yes, I did eat a piece of Grandma’s Christmas fudge last December, but only one piece. I only ate it so she wouldn’t feel bad if I didn’t. It’s important to make Grandma happy.
March 11: Okay, someone saw me holding the same brand of candy bar, but it wasn’t the one in question. I didn’t eat that one.
March 23: Yes, someone saw me getting the candy bar from the snack box up high on top the refrigerator, but then I dropped it and couldn’t find it. So, I am not the one who ate it.
April 4: Although the wrapper was found in the trash can in my bedroom, I don’t know how it got there. Maybe someone else dumped it there. Possibly to put the blame on me. Why don’t you look for that person instead of wasting time trying to accuse me?
April 14: True, someone posted a pic on Facebook of me standing in the alley behind the house with friends, eating the same brand of candy bar. You can’t prove it was the same candy as in question. The only reason I ate that one was so it wouldn’t go to waste. There are starving children all over the world. It wouldn’t be responsible if someone didn’t use it and I was the only socially responsible person in the group who was willing to step forward to eat it.
May 27: Yes, there are three emails sent to my friends asking them to not speak of the candy bar eating issue. I only sent these emails out to protect them from suffering through all this ridiculous, unfounded questioning. I didn’t think those emails were relevant to this case. I send emails to lots of friends. *Why are all of you persecuting me like this?
June 16: Alright. I ate the freakin’ candy bar. What’s the big deal? Have you ever seen how the last piece of pie in the pan gets consumed? Everyone sneaks into the kitchen, slices off a very small sliver, cleans the knife, puts it away, and leaves behind the smaller, remaining piece. Over time that last slice dwindles down to a skinny sliver, mostly crust by now. Then that disappears too. I ate the **candy bar for a good cause. I was just trying to help clear out unused inventory. That’s the responsible thing to do.
July 4: No, I didn’t sneak out the last beer in the fridge and I don’t understand why you don’t believe me. You can trust me on this.
*NOTE 1: Any assumption that this article is commentary on our current political arena is purely coincidental. You can trust me on this.
**NOTE 2: This author does not eat chocolate. No candy bars were consumed in the writing of this article. Any direct or indirect reference to eating chocolate in my posts is merely coincidental. You can trust me on this. Snicker… Sub-note: That word is in reference to a type of chuckle, not a brand of candy bar. It is not to be construed as my preference of candy bars if I ever do decide to eat one in the future.
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